Catch Me

I feel like last night and today have been a rough battle, and I'm not sure that I've come out of it yet, but I was writing and somehow ended up with this poem. It's weird because the poem is what I'm feeling right now, but the tone is somehow much more positive than how I'm actually feeling.

"Catch Me"

Lord, I feel you near me,

I know Your hands are stretched out to help me,

And yet I'm blindly reaching into nothing.

I long to feel Your arms surround me,

But I fear stepping away from where I stand.

If I take a step,

Will You catch me?

If I cry out for help,

Will You hear me?

Seeking You,

I've traveled far.

Weary and tiring of this heavy load,

I'm falling to my knees before You.

I'm begging You to hold me fast.

I'm stepping out,

Will You catch me?

I'm crying out Your name,

Do You hear me?

Often I've stumbled,

I've lost sight of You.

Circling back to my own fulfillment,

I come up empty every time.

Father, I need Your strength.

I'm stepping out,

I know You will catch me.

I'm crying out to You,

I know You hear me.

Though I fear,

Though I doubt,

When I'm overwhelmed,

And feel myself falling into darkness,

You are always with me.

I've taken a step,

And You have caught me

I've called to You,

And You've drawn me into Your arms.

How

I'm not quite sure that I hear You,

but I feel You tugging at my heart.

It seems so long that You've been watching, waiting

waiting for me to realize how much I need You.

I think I'm starting to understand,

and yet a part of me is still fighting your love.

How is it that You, so perfect, so holy,

can look on me with love?

You know my every fault, have seen all my mistakes;

and still, You love me.

Since the beginning of time,

You have called me your own, your daughter,

knowing that I would reject You, deny You...

And still You sent your perfect Son to this place

to bear not only my sins, but the sins of the world,

as hanging on that tree, He shed his blood to cover me.

All this I know,

and yet I struggle to believe.

Wretched sinner that I am,

vile, unworthy, a heart of solid stone;

I don't understand, Father.

Lord, how can You love me?

untitled 9/22/10

Stumbling, frightened,

vulnerable...

Looking for direction

but afraid to take a step.

Searching, seeking,

but with my eyes closed.

Too afraid of what's before me

to look, to hope.

Shamed, disgraced

Clothed in rags and huddled in hiding.

Wanting to be free.

Knowing where freedom comes from

but unworthy to reach out my hand.

Wearing a mask to cover the guilt.

Pretending, running

fighting to push everyone away.

Longing for understanding.

Begging to be saved.

Living and Dying by Faith

It may seem strange, but of late, the topic of death has come up a lot in my life. For a while, my friend and I were even joking about it because in a span of less than a week, the idea of preparing for death came up four times in random ways. However, while taking it somewhat passively to begin with, I'm starting to think about it in a more serious light. We have no guarantee of tomorrow, and in all honestly, no matter how long we live, our time on earth is comparable to mere seconds in the span of eternity. Our lives are nothing more than a vapor.

Putting things into perspective even more, my best friend had to make an unexpected trip home this weekend as her sister-in-law's mother was in the hospital and in critical condition. Receiving a text from my friend yesterday evening saying that the woman had passed on and that watching someone die is awful, I started thinking through things more. My first though went to wanting to be with my friend in order to give her a hug and comfort her, but seeing as how that isn't possible, I started to pray for the family, asking that they find comfort and peace in the Lord.

Something I try to do every day is read both the 'Morning' and 'Evening' pages of the book Morning & Evening by C.H. Spurgeon. On a minor side-note, the book is an amazing investment! It's basically daily pages of meditation on scripture through Spurgeon's thoughts, a page each day to read in the morning and another to read each day at night. Usually I read 'Morning' first thing upon waking up and 'Evening' as the final thing I do before going to bed, however, today I was a little late in reading 'Morning' and then later in the afternoon reread it and also read 'Evening.' In light of what my dear friend's family is currently going through, I found both of today's devotionals to be very fitting.

This morning's opening sentences were,

"It is a sweet and blessed event which will occur to all believers in God's own time - the going home to be with Jesus. In a few more years the Lord's soldiers, who are now fighting, 'the good fight of faith', will have done with conflict, and have entered into the joy of their Lord."

Such true words from Spurgeon! Think of how wonderful that day will be when we are in glory with the Lord! However, we ought to be careful with how we handle that thought as well. Often we look at the trials before us and forget to truly rely on the Lord for His strength, desiring to go home for the sake of rest and retreat from the sufferings we face. In relevance to this, Spurgeon says.

"Now it is quite right to desire to depart if we can do it in the same spirit that Paul did, because to be with Christ is far better, but to wish to escape from troubles is a selfish one. Rather let your care and wish be to glorify God by your life here as long as He pleases, even though it be in the midst of toil, and conflict, and suffering, and leave Him to say when 'it is enough.'"

In this evening's reading from Spurgeon, he writes based around Hebrews 11:13. which is talking about how the many men and women of faith listed earlier in the chapter "all died in faith." About these amazing men and women, Spurgeon states,

"In faith they lived - it was their comfort, their guide, their motive and their support; and in the same spiritual grace they died, ending their life-song in the sweet strain in which they had so long continued. They did not die resting in the flesh or upon their own attainments; they made no advance from their first way of acceptance with God, but held to the way of faith to the end. Faith is as precious to die by as to live by."

Oh how I hope that one day the same can be said of me! In fact, if it be fitting of my life, as I truly hope it will be, I would be completely content to have this direct quote of Spurgeon's be read as my epitaph. I would consider it an honor to have such said of me.

For sure, death is not an easy subject to deal with, whether it be something you are facing yourself in your own life or in the life of someone you know, but if the one facing death is a follower of Christ, while mourning the loss of them is completely expected and natural, I think it's also important to keep in mind that in death, the child of God is taken from a world of sin and suffering to a home in glory with the Lord, and that is a thought worthy of joy and praise to the King.

Going back to Spurgeon's thoughts on the faithful mentioned in Hebrews 11, let me leave you with one last quote to ponder as you continue on in faith with the Lord while living for a time on this earth, our temporary home,

"Thy course, through grace, is one of faith, and sight seldom cheers thee: this has also been the pathway of the brightest and the best. Faith was the orbit in which these stars of their first magnitude moved all the time of their shining here; and happy art thou that it is thine, Look anew tonight to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith, and thank Him for giving thee like precious faith with souls now in glory."

Friends Are the Best Kind of Family

"The gift of friendship among women is a treasure not to be taken lightly. Women friends become the face of God to one another- the face of grace, of delight, of mercy."

~Captivating by John and Stasi Elderidge

I'm coming to realize just how blessed I am. The Lord has been so gracious with me and placed so many wonderful and loving women in my life. I've just been thinking lately about how the Lord has provided for me and my friends are such a huge part of that. I am so thankful to be surrounded by a strong community of believers and for all of the beautiful sisters in Christ that I have the privilege of knowing. For someone who often looks at her life and struggles with the fact that she doesn't really have family, God is totally showing me that that doesn't mean anything by giving me an amazing family through Himself.

I Will Follow

A while ago, I was presented with the opportunity to spend some time in China, starting this summer, teaching English. My uncle moved there years ago to teach English and has not been back to the U.S. since. He and his wife now run the teaching program and knowing that I'm taking some time off from school, he offered me a position with the schools they run. I could live with him and his family and earn money by teaching, not to mention the fact that I would get to do some traveling and experience some pretty cool stuff. I spent some time thinking through the opportunity and praying about it, and I never felt led to say 'yes' or 'no'...so I decided I would go. Since making that decision however, I've been thinking through what that actually means. There are so many things that cause me to wonder if I'm making the right decision. My biggest concern being that my uncle is an atheist and that my faith is illegal in China. I know how much I struggle when I don't have a community of believers around me...and I know that I tend to isolate myself when I'm struggling. Going to China to teach with my uncle's program seems like a really cool chance that I may never have again, but is it worth the risk of losing sight of my faith in Christ? I don't want to think that my faith is would be easily rattled, but consider what life could look like in a new country, where I know no one except my uncle (and I've only met him once, briefly), and where my faith could wind up getting me in a lot of trouble. I want to say that I would stand up for my faith no matter what, but I'm so afraid that I wouldn't. If I don't have a support system, if I don't have community, would I have the strength to continue clinging to the Lord? I would like to hope so...but I don't know, and that scares me.

Also, lets add in that while going to China is a cool opportunity, it's not where my heart is. For quite some time now, I've felt my heart drawn to the 10/40 Window. Yes, China is in the 10/40 Window, but the pull for me has been to the Muslim nations, to places such as India and the Middle East. I want to do ministry there, I want to reach out to the people there! Between my roommate and I, we have at least 10 copies of the Bible in at least 5 different translations, and there are people in the Arab nations, in India, who don't have a Bible, not because they don't want one, but because it's never been translated into their language. There are people who have never accepted Christ, not because they turn their back to the gospel, but because they've never been given the chance to even hear it! It sickens me to think of the privilege that we have in the United States. We have the freedom to believe in Christ, there are churches everywhere, and so many people walk away...while across the world there are thousands, maybe even millions, who have never even been given the chance to hear the good news of Christ. I want to go! I want to reach out to these people! I want to tell them who Jesus is and that He died for them, so that they might be free!

So what do I do? Do I continue on with my plans of going to China to teach with my uncle's program, do I ignore the fact that I know the chances of me falling away from the Lord are strong? Or do I start looking at other options? Do I look into opportunities to go to Muslim nations, maybe Arab nations, within the 10/40 Window? If God wants me to go to China, by all means, I'll go...I want to be open to wherever He leads me, to whatever His will is for me...but right now, I'm not sure what that look like. I was told last night that I haven't seemed excited about China, that it's just something that I've had the opportunity to do and I've said that I'll go for it, but in talking about the Arab nations, Muslim nations, in the 10/40 Window, I am excited about it. That's where my heart lies...that's what I want to do...I'm just not sure where the Lord is leading.

I feel like in writing a blog post, I need to have some sort of conclusion, some pulling together of my jumbled thoughts, but I don't know that that's possible right now. So here's the best I can do... Matthew 9:36-38 says, "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, 'The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.'" I know the amazing truth of the gospel and I am willing and ready to be a laborer for the harvest. My heart's desire is to minister to those in the 10/40 window, however, above that desire is my aim to follow God, wherever He made lead me. Whatever God's will is for my life, that is the goal I will strive to attain, not of my own accord but in the strength of God. Where He leads, I will follow. If He leads me to a mission field of Muslim nations in the 10/40 window; I will go. If He leads me to China, I will go. If it be His will that I stay where I am and live out ministry here, I will do so. No matter if He leads me to ministry abroad or guides me to stay where I am, I will ever be praying that He send out laborers to the harvest and that I will continuously be seeking out His will and direction for my life.

Some Old Poetry

Answering the Call

Drunken parties every night…
Large holes of nothingness where memories should be…
Another beer, another shot…
Drink up little girl,
To hide from the pain, the heartache.

The constant game of seduction…
If I can’t love myself, can anyone else?
Another shot, another hit…
Surrounded by “friends,” yet all alone.
A hollowness within my heart,
Filled for a night with blackened deeds,
Only to be empty when morning comes.

A child lost in the stormy night,
Hiding from my grief and sorrows,
Trapped within the maze of my own mind.
Leading myself down a darkened path of destruction…
Running from all light…

Fallen…
I’ve sunk as low as I can go.
Helpless, hopeless, destroyed…
I’m giving up, giving in, ending my own life.

Wait…what’s that?
There’s a voice in the darkness, calling out to me.
But where is this voice coming from?
It’s terrifying. It sounds so powerful…
And yet, just hearing it brings me hope.
I’m so afraid, but I want to follow…

If I follow, where will this voice lead me?
The voice frightens me, and yet draws me in.
I long to hear more…
I crave the hope and comfort that it seems to hold…

I will follow…
I will search out this voice…
This voice that is calling me out of the darkness.

“Who are you?” I finally respond.
“I am the Lord.”
“Why does my heart rejoice in hearing your call?”
“Follow me,” the voice called out again.

“Oh…I don’t like where this path is leading…
Maybe I don’t want to follow…
I can’t bring my things with me,
And I don’t want to leave my friends behind…”
“Sell whatsoever thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven:
and come, take up the cross, and follow me,” the voice said to me.
“But…Lord, if that is who you are, how can I leave my life behind?”
“If you will, come after me, deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me,” the Lord
replied.

Just hearing the voice brought comfort,
Believing brought hope and peace and light.
The darkness dimmed around me,
And what’s this I’m feeling?
Is it joy? It couldn’t be…
But I do believe it is.

“What is this feeling, Lord?
I do not understand…”
“I will give you comfort and joy instead of sorrow,” He said.
“But how can I feel joy?” I asked,
“Nothing here has changed.”
“Ah, but you are wrong, my child,” He gently replied.
“It has been written, ‘…if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the
new has come!”

I stand in awe at the world around me;
All colors have taken a brighter hue,
And everything seems so fresh and new.
For the first time in years,
A true smile is on my face and laughter wells within me.

“Oh Lord, You’ve led me from the darkest night into the brightest day!
You’ve given me life far richer than I could have ever dreamed!
Your love, it satisfies,
And Your grace has set me free!
But Lord, why would You do this all for me?”
“Because I love you.”
“But look at all I’ve done. Look at me, I am broken and destroyed. How can You love
me?” I cried.
“My child, your sins I have forgotten. I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have
drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt.”
“But Lord…”
“My daughter, I have numbered the very hairs of your head. My thoughts of you
outnumber the grains of sand; this does not even describe how great my love for you.”

I am silent.
My heart weeps.
“My Lord, my Father, I will ever follow You.
You are my Life and my Salvation,
The Almighty, my Redeemer, Savior, and Friend.
You have rescued me,
And I long to live for You.
I surrender my life into Your hands,
My desire is to do Your will.”



Trust

I hear You saying, "Trust me,"
But Lord, my faith is small.
"Rest upon my promises,
I will not let you fall."

But Father, I'm afraid,
To give you my whole heart,
Can't I hold on to some things,
And just give you a part?

"My child, won't you trust me?
I'm holding out my hand.
My love for you is infinite,
Beyond what you can understand.
Place on me your burdens,
Toss your worries at my feet.
Stop fighting to stay on top of things,
Come rest, come take a seat.
Don't be afraid, I've got this,
The victory is mine.
Turn away from the darkness,
Open your eyes to My sunshine.
I will not let you fall, my child,
Though often you may stray.
My love for you is unending,
It never fades from day to day.
Why wrestle with the devil,
Whose lies will hold you down?
My desire for you is freedom,
And I'll turn your life around.
Past regrets don't matter here,
Nor decisions that went rotten.
Put your trust in me, dear child,
Your sins I have forgotten."


Contradiction
My strength is but a weakness
Standing between You and me,
Any confidence a stumbling block
On this path down which You lead

The world says that I am one
That I must stand tall to get by.
I'm taught to rely on myself alone
In a dog-eat-dog world
I have to fight for my own

You turn these values upside-down
With a love beyond understanding
From King of Kings You became
A baby born in the cattle's home
A man crucified though he'd done no wrong

The greatest of all was a humble man
Who gave His life at His Father's command
So that I might live and be
A sinner whose slate has been wiped clean

Pride keeps my trust locked tight
My strength enough to get by.
Lord, humble me and set me free
Break my heart and make me weak
For You alone are my strength.
Lowly sinner I may be
I live to glorify the King of Kings