Some Old Poetry

Answering the Call

Drunken parties every night…
Large holes of nothingness where memories should be…
Another beer, another shot…
Drink up little girl,
To hide from the pain, the heartache.

The constant game of seduction…
If I can’t love myself, can anyone else?
Another shot, another hit…
Surrounded by “friends,” yet all alone.
A hollowness within my heart,
Filled for a night with blackened deeds,
Only to be empty when morning comes.

A child lost in the stormy night,
Hiding from my grief and sorrows,
Trapped within the maze of my own mind.
Leading myself down a darkened path of destruction…
Running from all light…

Fallen…
I’ve sunk as low as I can go.
Helpless, hopeless, destroyed…
I’m giving up, giving in, ending my own life.

Wait…what’s that?
There’s a voice in the darkness, calling out to me.
But where is this voice coming from?
It’s terrifying. It sounds so powerful…
And yet, just hearing it brings me hope.
I’m so afraid, but I want to follow…

If I follow, where will this voice lead me?
The voice frightens me, and yet draws me in.
I long to hear more…
I crave the hope and comfort that it seems to hold…

I will follow…
I will search out this voice…
This voice that is calling me out of the darkness.

“Who are you?” I finally respond.
“I am the Lord.”
“Why does my heart rejoice in hearing your call?”
“Follow me,” the voice called out again.

“Oh…I don’t like where this path is leading…
Maybe I don’t want to follow…
I can’t bring my things with me,
And I don’t want to leave my friends behind…”
“Sell whatsoever thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven:
and come, take up the cross, and follow me,” the voice said to me.
“But…Lord, if that is who you are, how can I leave my life behind?”
“If you will, come after me, deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me,” the Lord
replied.

Just hearing the voice brought comfort,
Believing brought hope and peace and light.
The darkness dimmed around me,
And what’s this I’m feeling?
Is it joy? It couldn’t be…
But I do believe it is.

“What is this feeling, Lord?
I do not understand…”
“I will give you comfort and joy instead of sorrow,” He said.
“But how can I feel joy?” I asked,
“Nothing here has changed.”
“Ah, but you are wrong, my child,” He gently replied.
“It has been written, ‘…if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the
new has come!”

I stand in awe at the world around me;
All colors have taken a brighter hue,
And everything seems so fresh and new.
For the first time in years,
A true smile is on my face and laughter wells within me.

“Oh Lord, You’ve led me from the darkest night into the brightest day!
You’ve given me life far richer than I could have ever dreamed!
Your love, it satisfies,
And Your grace has set me free!
But Lord, why would You do this all for me?”
“Because I love you.”
“But look at all I’ve done. Look at me, I am broken and destroyed. How can You love
me?” I cried.
“My child, your sins I have forgotten. I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have
drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt.”
“But Lord…”
“My daughter, I have numbered the very hairs of your head. My thoughts of you
outnumber the grains of sand; this does not even describe how great my love for you.”

I am silent.
My heart weeps.
“My Lord, my Father, I will ever follow You.
You are my Life and my Salvation,
The Almighty, my Redeemer, Savior, and Friend.
You have rescued me,
And I long to live for You.
I surrender my life into Your hands,
My desire is to do Your will.”



Trust

I hear You saying, "Trust me,"
But Lord, my faith is small.
"Rest upon my promises,
I will not let you fall."

But Father, I'm afraid,
To give you my whole heart,
Can't I hold on to some things,
And just give you a part?

"My child, won't you trust me?
I'm holding out my hand.
My love for you is infinite,
Beyond what you can understand.
Place on me your burdens,
Toss your worries at my feet.
Stop fighting to stay on top of things,
Come rest, come take a seat.
Don't be afraid, I've got this,
The victory is mine.
Turn away from the darkness,
Open your eyes to My sunshine.
I will not let you fall, my child,
Though often you may stray.
My love for you is unending,
It never fades from day to day.
Why wrestle with the devil,
Whose lies will hold you down?
My desire for you is freedom,
And I'll turn your life around.
Past regrets don't matter here,
Nor decisions that went rotten.
Put your trust in me, dear child,
Your sins I have forgotten."


Contradiction
My strength is but a weakness
Standing between You and me,
Any confidence a stumbling block
On this path down which You lead

The world says that I am one
That I must stand tall to get by.
I'm taught to rely on myself alone
In a dog-eat-dog world
I have to fight for my own

You turn these values upside-down
With a love beyond understanding
From King of Kings You became
A baby born in the cattle's home
A man crucified though he'd done no wrong

The greatest of all was a humble man
Who gave His life at His Father's command
So that I might live and be
A sinner whose slate has been wiped clean

Pride keeps my trust locked tight
My strength enough to get by.
Lord, humble me and set me free
Break my heart and make me weak
For You alone are my strength.
Lowly sinner I may be
I live to glorify the King of Kings

The Smallest of Details

Totally random, very short thought before heading to bed. I was talking to my roommate just a few moments ago and a thought that I voiced to her in our conversation is sticking with me...it kind of fits in with my post a few days ago about how God is in the details, but at the same time, that's not entirely it either. We run through life every day just trying to get by, just trying to make it until the night so that we can say we've made it through and then start all over again the next morning. In our day to day lives, there are so many little tasks that don't require all that much thought and attention, things that we put on auto-pilot in our minds and go through the motions of without being involved in the task at hand. We can know that God is in everything, we can see Him leading us down different paths in our lives, but sometimes we get so used to our auto-pilot lives that we forget that God wants to be a part of even the most menial of tasks, like going to the bank or randomly calling a friend. What happens when God steps in and does something that directs the little things? It catches us off guard, and maybe even pushes us a little bit our of our comfort zones. But think about it...if God cares enough to direct even the little things, He totally cares enough to direct the big things. Even though we don't always see the big picture and can't always figure out what God is doing with the big things in our lives, He pays attention to the smallest of details, so there is no rhyme or reason to doubting that He's got His eye on the big picture. We have no reason to worry...God is painting the picture of our lives, starting with the smallest of details.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. ~Matthew 5

Living the Mission

An excerpt from my journal today, written during the sermon at The Oaks and summarizing a part of the sermon and my own thoughts on it:

Don't sit around in the waiting room of life; Jesus didn't just save us from sin and death, but He also saves us to something- proclaiming the gospel! This calling is placed on every believer, so what are we waiting for? Our lives are changed, and we are called to a greater mission; proclaiming the good news to the world. God has entrusted us with His message, we, weak and sinful human beings, are called to spread the gospel...what an awesome privilege!

How often do I actually live that out? Not very often. But as was pointed out in the message this morning, God called us out of this world of darkness into His magnificent light, and that should be a joy for us to proclaim! Despite the amazing changes God has worked in our own lives, so often we dread the infamous "e-word"...evangelism. I'll admit that I tend to cringe at the word myself, but the word comes from a Greek term meaning "to proclaim good news." Isn't that something that we should want to do? And what better news is there than the message of salvation?

So why do we fight so hard to avoid evangelism? It is a part of our human nature that we make everything about ourselves, so it shouldn't be at all surprising to realize that we often put the salvation of others on our own shoulders. It's not about us though! It's not our weight to carry; salvation belongs to the Lord. We cannot save people, only God can! We are tools that He uses, but the final project is not ours to take credit for. God uses us, but the work is done by His Spirit, in His strength, and in His perfect timing.

I think it is important to realize that evangelism isn't just the verbal proclamation of the gospel, but more so a way of life. Consider the words of the Apostle Paul:

"And I, when I came to you, brothers, I did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. 2 For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 3 And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, 4 and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, 5 that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God." ~1 Corinthians 2:1-5

We are called to proclaim the gospel, but such a calling is not simply to "come proclaiming to [others] the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom," but rather to live in such a way that "[our] speech and [our] message [are] not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that [their] faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God." The whole earth is our mission field, every moment a chance to share the gospel with those around us, our job is to step our in faith and follow the calling that the Lord has given us. We must have faith, believing that Jesus was God in the flesh, living a perfect life and dying an awful death to cover our sins and rising again three days later in a marvelous victory over sin and death. We must go in faith, not having a course visibly set before us but trusting that God is our guide and that He will always be with us, especially as He calls us to roads that we cannot travel alone, but only in His strength. We must be humble, remembering that the Kingdom of God is a kingdom unlike any other, a kingdom where the values and ideals of this world are turned completely upside-down. As Christ says in Luke 9, "he who is the least among you is he who is the greatest." Also, we must be loving, gracious, and compassionate, rather than passing judgment and condemning those we un-rightly and unjustly view ourselves better than.

As I wrote in my journal during the service this morning, I don't want to sit around in the waiting room of life, I want to accept the privilege that the Lord has given me as His child and proclaim the message of life and light through Christ Jesus to the world around me. Wherever the Lord leads me, I don't want to be caught waiting, I want to be living out the mission He has given me.

Written in the Details

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you." ~Psalm 139:17-18

As I spent the last half of my spring break (ha...I'm spoiled, I'm not even a student anymore and I still get a spring break) hanging out on the beach, my thoughts yet again turned to these verses. They tend to come to mind often when I'm on a beach, or anywhere around sand for that matter. Two summers ago, on the beaches of Chicago, the realization of the sheer incomprehensible greatness of God's love for us, His children, that is illustrated through the psalmists words, hit me. Since then, I cannot be near a beach without being awestruck and in wonder of our great Creator. Often this past summer, as I wandered the beaches of Traverse City, Michigan, the inner thoughts of my mind would again turn to mulling over the immense love that God has for me, and you. I would come back to my room after the beach and for days, I would find sand everywhere. It never ceased to amaze me that that little bit of sand that drove me crazy when it was scattered across my dorm room floor is only the tiniest portion of a minuscule amount of sand in Traverse City, not to mention the world, and God's thoughts of us are even greater still than the number of grains of sand existing throughout the entire world! Being in Myrtle Beach brought all those thoughts back to me, and this time, my mind took things a step further. As I walked along the beach, one morning in rain, and a couple days in the brilliant southern sunshine, not only was I struck by the amount of sand and what that means in context of the verse in Psalms 139, but I also found myself stunned by the intricacies and detail seen in each seashell, in the power of the ocean waves, and the feel of the wind on my skin. God did ALL of that! If He put that much thought into something as small as a seashell, if He gives that much power to the ocean, when that power and strength is nothing in comparison to His own power and strength; how much must He love us in order to sacrifice His Son?

These walks on the beach led me to think about one of my favorite Psalms, Psalm 104. I love the way that David so visually describes the power that God has, in every detail of life for not just man, but all of creation. It's amazing, astounding even, when you sit back and consider just what David is saying with Psalm 139:17-18. We aren't just loved, we are truly, deeply, incomprehensibly, and wonderfully loved by God, the Creator of all things, in a love that is so completely out of reach of our minds that we tend to box it up in order to help ourselves understand this great love, however, in doing so, we are costing ourselves dearly. Who are we to put God in a box, to diminish the gift of His love just so that we, lowly humans, are able to make sense of it? So what if it's not possible to fully understand God's love! Look around you, look at the little details in every aspect of the world. Evidence of God's love is displayed throughout history, painted across the sky with each sunrise and each sunset. Every blade of grass was intricately designed by Him, every flower and leaf, every tree. His love for us is written in every detail of His creation!

"Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Evidence of God's love is everywhere...can't we just let that be enough rather than doubting at every turn?

Things that Make Me Happy

bubbles
children's laughter
smiles
laughing
iced sweet tea
hot tea
hot chocolate
hazelnut coffee w/ flavored creamer
the song of birds in the springtime
the babble of a brook/stream/creek/river
a warm gentle breeze
cool sand between my toes
the feel of grass on my bare feet
the smell of springtime
the smell the air after a warm spring rain
sunrises
sunsets
wildflowers
fields of daisies
waterfalls
butterflies
deer
horses
horseback riding
a comfy bed
cozy blankets
cuddly stuffed animals
squishy pillows
bright colors
bright colors
purple
taking pictures
editing pictures
long walks outdoors
the sound of waves lapping against the shore
watching the tide roll in
climbing trees
climbing rocks
adventures in nature
a cool glass of lemonade on a hot day
diet pepsi
hugs from dear friends
words of encouragement
candles
relaxing with soft music in the glow of candle light
long, luxurious baths
curling up with a good book
the beach
clouds
clear blue skies
the light and innocence in the eyes of a child
inside jokes
wonderful friends
frosting
deserts
dulce de leche frappes
scarves
the sound of rain on the roof
jumping in puddles
heart to heart conversations
trying new things
the cool ocean breeze
tide pools
flip flops
the sparkle of dew drops in the early morning sunlight
seeing a birds nest with eggs in it
kittens
puppies
playing softball
sweet text messages
getting letters/cards in via snai lmail
road trips
random mix CDs
stumbling across an old favorite song
warm towels straight out of the dryer
finding things you though were lost
mojitos
journaling
a good quote
poetry
cookies right out of the oven
lattes
sitting in a coffee shop with a drink and books
sunlight on a spider's web
the love of those who care
making others laugh
the colors of autumn leaves
jeans and a hoody weather
sundresses
sea glass
the aroma of coffee
old hymns
fresh baked bread
peaceful quiet moments
simple comradery
homemade gifts
mountains
evergreen trees
the smell of pine needles
oranges fresh off the tree
the stary night sky
bolt lightening
thunderstorms
the warmth of the sun on my skin
rainbows
the smell of roses
the moon
rays of sunlight breaking through clouds
bonfires
a warm fire in the fireplace
the dance of leaves in the wind
skipping rocks
picture frames
Christmas lights
the smell of coffee beans
reflections on the surface of water
colorful nail polish
swings
tree houses
stained glass windows
throw pillows
experimental cooking
being up high

There's a lot more to add to the list, but these just came to mind tonight.