Trust

I want to trust the Lord, but most days I feel like that's impossible. I so often find myself fighting to do things my way and in my strength, on my terms and according to my own time line, and inevitably, I fail. I know that I need to hand things over to God and let Him work things out His way, and I try to do so...but it's only a matter of minutes before I'm right back to wanting to make sure that everything is done all my way again. I look back over my life and I can see evidence of the Lord in so many places, even in times from before I accepted Christ, and yet I tend to forget His goodness, grace, and mercy. I know that He has a plan, that He can do ANYTHING, and that He loves me and wants what is best for me, but I just can't seem to let go of my grasp on control. Why do I look back over the past two years and 29 days of my life, seeing all that God has brought me through, all the changes that He has made in me, and still doubt?

Not only have I been saved from my sins, but I can say with utmost certainty that had the Lord not gotten a hold of me when He did, I'm 99% sure that I wouldn't be alive today. I was an absolute wreck, a total and complete mess of drinking and partying and even a few drugs. I relied on physical relationships and drunkeness to save me and help me forget, and all that ever did was cause me to hate myself more. I hated my life, I hated myself, and I so no point in living. I planned out my suicide multiple times, even tried it (failing obviously) a couple times. I hurt to the core, not physically, but emotionally, and I didn't know how to handle that. The only way I could find to help myself feel was cutting. I hated what I was doing but I loved it at the same time. As long as I was cutting, as long as I was drinking or getting high, as long as I was having sex, for those few moments, I could forget how much I loathed who I was and be happy. But an hour later, or the next morning, whenever my stupor had worn off and I realized what I had done, my self hatred, the anger and pain that I had barricaded inside myself all came tumbling back to me. It was a cycle, a vicious, ugly, painful cycle, but I didn't know where else to turn. God brought me out of all of that! I have scars, but cutting isn't an issue anymore. I don't plan out ways to kill myself, and those crazy nights of drunken hook ups are all in the past...I could have NEVER made those changes in my life without the Lord. I see what He's brought me through, I see Him working in the lives of my friends, I take a walk and see the beauty of nature, and yet I still struggle to trust Him. Why do I see His work and still doubt? Why do I say that I want to trust Him, that I want to turn everything over to Him, and then minutes later take it all back into my own hands?

I want to trust. I am so tired of carrying everything around on my own, trying to do it all alone...and I want His help, but my head says it's too far of a fall, and honestly, while my heart is a little more trusting, it's not so sure about taking that leap either.