"What's goin' on inside of me?"

Sitting in my room this afternoon processing through the royally butt-kicking sermon that I heard at church this morning (more on that in a minute), "In the Light" by DC Talk, came on my roommate's computer and hit pretty hard with how much it sums up a lot of what I'm thinking/feeling right now.

"What's goin' on inside of me? I despise my own behavior...The disease of self runs through my blood, it's a cancer fatal to my soul. Every attempt on my behalf has failed, to bring this sickness under control."

There are a couple things I've been doing lately that I know aren't pleasing to the Lord, and despite knowing that and feeling guilty of the sins I'm committing, I've kept going with it anyway. In the moment, I know it's wrong but I don't care because I'm finding a sense of belonging, and yet, afterward, I feel miserable. I know that I have blatantly disobeyed God, and I tell myself that I won't do it again, but without fail, opportunity presents itself and I fall right back into the same pattern. It's frustrating and I get so angry with myself! I find myself living up to the lyrics of the song, "What's goin' on inside of me? I despise my own behavior." In a way, the sermon given at church this morning answers that question.

The sermon was entitled "Lasting Growth" with the main scripture being Luke 6:43-49.

"For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, ⁴⁴for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. ⁴⁵ The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and not do what I tell you? ⁴⁷ Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: ⁴⁸he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built ⁴⁹ But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great"

It's pretty easy to take the first part of this passage (v43-45) and make the assumption that if you don't see fruit in a person's life, they aren't a Christian. Also, the passage can often be something that we use as motivation for sanctification, but in doing so, we are placing our salvation on our own shoulders and saying that our salvation is based on works. If you look at the passage though, it says none of that. Instead, it very simply and straightforwardly states that what we do is a result of who we are internally, at the deepest part of our being. According to scripture, our heart is the center of our being and it is from our hearts that our true self is shown.

^"10And he called the people to him and said to them, "Hear and understand: ¹¹ it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person...¹⁷ Do you not see that whatever goes into the mouth passes into the stomach and is expelled? ¹⁸But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. ¹⁹For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. ²⁰ These are what defile a person." ~Matthew 15:10, 17-20

Our actions don't determine who we are, it's our heart that determines our actions. Basically, we are not sinners because we sin, we sin because we are sinners. Our hearts are not pretty things.

"⁹The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" ~Jeremiah 17:9

If our hearts are deceitful and desperately sick, then based on the passage from Matthew 15, we are deceitful and desperately sick people. We may not always do bad things, and many of us may seem like genuinely good people, but deep down, our hearts are a mess. In heated moments of anger and frustration, the things we say are often hurtful and spiteful. I've never heard of anyone angrily yelling, "I love you so much and I want to serve you!!!" but rather "I hate you and I want nothing to do with you!" It is from the overflow of our hearts that our mouths speak.

Going back to my original thoughts from the DC Talk song, "What's goin' on inside of me? I despise my own behavior," I can now answer based on the realization that my actions come from my heart, which is a wicked and evil thing. I guess that sounds a bit depressing, BUT, there is hope!! God cleanses us and restores us! He takes out our hardened heart of stone and replaces it with a new heart and the Holy Spirit.

^"25 from all your idols I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and I will cleanse you. ²⁶And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. ²⁷ And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules." ~Ezekiel 36:25-27

On our own, we can't do anything, but if we allow the Lord to work in our lives and don't sit back in fear, afraid to take a look at the condition of our hearts, He can cure the sickness of our nature. The more we are willing to spend time with Him in prayer and in His Word, and the more we let Him work in the deepest corners of our hearts, the stronger our foundation in Him will be (referring to the second half of the original passage in Luke) and the more we will be able to stand strong in life's storms.