Catch Me

I feel like last night and today have been a rough battle, and I'm not sure that I've come out of it yet, but I was writing and somehow ended up with this poem. It's weird because the poem is what I'm feeling right now, but the tone is somehow much more positive than how I'm actually feeling.

"Catch Me"

Lord, I feel you near me,

I know Your hands are stretched out to help me,

And yet I'm blindly reaching into nothing.

I long to feel Your arms surround me,

But I fear stepping away from where I stand.

If I take a step,

Will You catch me?

If I cry out for help,

Will You hear me?

Seeking You,

I've traveled far.

Weary and tiring of this heavy load,

I'm falling to my knees before You.

I'm begging You to hold me fast.

I'm stepping out,

Will You catch me?

I'm crying out Your name,

Do You hear me?

Often I've stumbled,

I've lost sight of You.

Circling back to my own fulfillment,

I come up empty every time.

Father, I need Your strength.

I'm stepping out,

I know You will catch me.

I'm crying out to You,

I know You hear me.

Though I fear,

Though I doubt,

When I'm overwhelmed,

And feel myself falling into darkness,

You are always with me.

I've taken a step,

And You have caught me

I've called to You,

And You've drawn me into Your arms.

How

I'm not quite sure that I hear You,

but I feel You tugging at my heart.

It seems so long that You've been watching, waiting

waiting for me to realize how much I need You.

I think I'm starting to understand,

and yet a part of me is still fighting your love.

How is it that You, so perfect, so holy,

can look on me with love?

You know my every fault, have seen all my mistakes;

and still, You love me.

Since the beginning of time,

You have called me your own, your daughter,

knowing that I would reject You, deny You...

And still You sent your perfect Son to this place

to bear not only my sins, but the sins of the world,

as hanging on that tree, He shed his blood to cover me.

All this I know,

and yet I struggle to believe.

Wretched sinner that I am,

vile, unworthy, a heart of solid stone;

I don't understand, Father.

Lord, how can You love me?

untitled 9/22/10

Stumbling, frightened,

vulnerable...

Looking for direction

but afraid to take a step.

Searching, seeking,

but with my eyes closed.

Too afraid of what's before me

to look, to hope.

Shamed, disgraced

Clothed in rags and huddled in hiding.

Wanting to be free.

Knowing where freedom comes from

but unworthy to reach out my hand.

Wearing a mask to cover the guilt.

Pretending, running

fighting to push everyone away.

Longing for understanding.

Begging to be saved.

Living and Dying by Faith

It may seem strange, but of late, the topic of death has come up a lot in my life. For a while, my friend and I were even joking about it because in a span of less than a week, the idea of preparing for death came up four times in random ways. However, while taking it somewhat passively to begin with, I'm starting to think about it in a more serious light. We have no guarantee of tomorrow, and in all honestly, no matter how long we live, our time on earth is comparable to mere seconds in the span of eternity. Our lives are nothing more than a vapor.

Putting things into perspective even more, my best friend had to make an unexpected trip home this weekend as her sister-in-law's mother was in the hospital and in critical condition. Receiving a text from my friend yesterday evening saying that the woman had passed on and that watching someone die is awful, I started thinking through things more. My first though went to wanting to be with my friend in order to give her a hug and comfort her, but seeing as how that isn't possible, I started to pray for the family, asking that they find comfort and peace in the Lord.

Something I try to do every day is read both the 'Morning' and 'Evening' pages of the book Morning & Evening by C.H. Spurgeon. On a minor side-note, the book is an amazing investment! It's basically daily pages of meditation on scripture through Spurgeon's thoughts, a page each day to read in the morning and another to read each day at night. Usually I read 'Morning' first thing upon waking up and 'Evening' as the final thing I do before going to bed, however, today I was a little late in reading 'Morning' and then later in the afternoon reread it and also read 'Evening.' In light of what my dear friend's family is currently going through, I found both of today's devotionals to be very fitting.

This morning's opening sentences were,

"It is a sweet and blessed event which will occur to all believers in God's own time - the going home to be with Jesus. In a few more years the Lord's soldiers, who are now fighting, 'the good fight of faith', will have done with conflict, and have entered into the joy of their Lord."

Such true words from Spurgeon! Think of how wonderful that day will be when we are in glory with the Lord! However, we ought to be careful with how we handle that thought as well. Often we look at the trials before us and forget to truly rely on the Lord for His strength, desiring to go home for the sake of rest and retreat from the sufferings we face. In relevance to this, Spurgeon says.

"Now it is quite right to desire to depart if we can do it in the same spirit that Paul did, because to be with Christ is far better, but to wish to escape from troubles is a selfish one. Rather let your care and wish be to glorify God by your life here as long as He pleases, even though it be in the midst of toil, and conflict, and suffering, and leave Him to say when 'it is enough.'"

In this evening's reading from Spurgeon, he writes based around Hebrews 11:13. which is talking about how the many men and women of faith listed earlier in the chapter "all died in faith." About these amazing men and women, Spurgeon states,

"In faith they lived - it was their comfort, their guide, their motive and their support; and in the same spiritual grace they died, ending their life-song in the sweet strain in which they had so long continued. They did not die resting in the flesh or upon their own attainments; they made no advance from their first way of acceptance with God, but held to the way of faith to the end. Faith is as precious to die by as to live by."

Oh how I hope that one day the same can be said of me! In fact, if it be fitting of my life, as I truly hope it will be, I would be completely content to have this direct quote of Spurgeon's be read as my epitaph. I would consider it an honor to have such said of me.

For sure, death is not an easy subject to deal with, whether it be something you are facing yourself in your own life or in the life of someone you know, but if the one facing death is a follower of Christ, while mourning the loss of them is completely expected and natural, I think it's also important to keep in mind that in death, the child of God is taken from a world of sin and suffering to a home in glory with the Lord, and that is a thought worthy of joy and praise to the King.

Going back to Spurgeon's thoughts on the faithful mentioned in Hebrews 11, let me leave you with one last quote to ponder as you continue on in faith with the Lord while living for a time on this earth, our temporary home,

"Thy course, through grace, is one of faith, and sight seldom cheers thee: this has also been the pathway of the brightest and the best. Faith was the orbit in which these stars of their first magnitude moved all the time of their shining here; and happy art thou that it is thine, Look anew tonight to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith, and thank Him for giving thee like precious faith with souls now in glory."

Friends Are the Best Kind of Family

"The gift of friendship among women is a treasure not to be taken lightly. Women friends become the face of God to one another- the face of grace, of delight, of mercy."

~Captivating by John and Stasi Elderidge

I'm coming to realize just how blessed I am. The Lord has been so gracious with me and placed so many wonderful and loving women in my life. I've just been thinking lately about how the Lord has provided for me and my friends are such a huge part of that. I am so thankful to be surrounded by a strong community of believers and for all of the beautiful sisters in Christ that I have the privilege of knowing. For someone who often looks at her life and struggles with the fact that she doesn't really have family, God is totally showing me that that doesn't mean anything by giving me an amazing family through Himself.

I Will Follow

A while ago, I was presented with the opportunity to spend some time in China, starting this summer, teaching English. My uncle moved there years ago to teach English and has not been back to the U.S. since. He and his wife now run the teaching program and knowing that I'm taking some time off from school, he offered me a position with the schools they run. I could live with him and his family and earn money by teaching, not to mention the fact that I would get to do some traveling and experience some pretty cool stuff. I spent some time thinking through the opportunity and praying about it, and I never felt led to say 'yes' or 'no'...so I decided I would go. Since making that decision however, I've been thinking through what that actually means. There are so many things that cause me to wonder if I'm making the right decision. My biggest concern being that my uncle is an atheist and that my faith is illegal in China. I know how much I struggle when I don't have a community of believers around me...and I know that I tend to isolate myself when I'm struggling. Going to China to teach with my uncle's program seems like a really cool chance that I may never have again, but is it worth the risk of losing sight of my faith in Christ? I don't want to think that my faith is would be easily rattled, but consider what life could look like in a new country, where I know no one except my uncle (and I've only met him once, briefly), and where my faith could wind up getting me in a lot of trouble. I want to say that I would stand up for my faith no matter what, but I'm so afraid that I wouldn't. If I don't have a support system, if I don't have community, would I have the strength to continue clinging to the Lord? I would like to hope so...but I don't know, and that scares me.

Also, lets add in that while going to China is a cool opportunity, it's not where my heart is. For quite some time now, I've felt my heart drawn to the 10/40 Window. Yes, China is in the 10/40 Window, but the pull for me has been to the Muslim nations, to places such as India and the Middle East. I want to do ministry there, I want to reach out to the people there! Between my roommate and I, we have at least 10 copies of the Bible in at least 5 different translations, and there are people in the Arab nations, in India, who don't have a Bible, not because they don't want one, but because it's never been translated into their language. There are people who have never accepted Christ, not because they turn their back to the gospel, but because they've never been given the chance to even hear it! It sickens me to think of the privilege that we have in the United States. We have the freedom to believe in Christ, there are churches everywhere, and so many people walk away...while across the world there are thousands, maybe even millions, who have never even been given the chance to hear the good news of Christ. I want to go! I want to reach out to these people! I want to tell them who Jesus is and that He died for them, so that they might be free!

So what do I do? Do I continue on with my plans of going to China to teach with my uncle's program, do I ignore the fact that I know the chances of me falling away from the Lord are strong? Or do I start looking at other options? Do I look into opportunities to go to Muslim nations, maybe Arab nations, within the 10/40 Window? If God wants me to go to China, by all means, I'll go...I want to be open to wherever He leads me, to whatever His will is for me...but right now, I'm not sure what that look like. I was told last night that I haven't seemed excited about China, that it's just something that I've had the opportunity to do and I've said that I'll go for it, but in talking about the Arab nations, Muslim nations, in the 10/40 Window, I am excited about it. That's where my heart lies...that's what I want to do...I'm just not sure where the Lord is leading.

I feel like in writing a blog post, I need to have some sort of conclusion, some pulling together of my jumbled thoughts, but I don't know that that's possible right now. So here's the best I can do... Matthew 9:36-38 says, "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, 'The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.'" I know the amazing truth of the gospel and I am willing and ready to be a laborer for the harvest. My heart's desire is to minister to those in the 10/40 window, however, above that desire is my aim to follow God, wherever He made lead me. Whatever God's will is for my life, that is the goal I will strive to attain, not of my own accord but in the strength of God. Where He leads, I will follow. If He leads me to a mission field of Muslim nations in the 10/40 window; I will go. If He leads me to China, I will go. If it be His will that I stay where I am and live out ministry here, I will do so. No matter if He leads me to ministry abroad or guides me to stay where I am, I will ever be praying that He send out laborers to the harvest and that I will continuously be seeking out His will and direction for my life.

Some Old Poetry

Answering the Call

Drunken parties every night…
Large holes of nothingness where memories should be…
Another beer, another shot…
Drink up little girl,
To hide from the pain, the heartache.

The constant game of seduction…
If I can’t love myself, can anyone else?
Another shot, another hit…
Surrounded by “friends,” yet all alone.
A hollowness within my heart,
Filled for a night with blackened deeds,
Only to be empty when morning comes.

A child lost in the stormy night,
Hiding from my grief and sorrows,
Trapped within the maze of my own mind.
Leading myself down a darkened path of destruction…
Running from all light…

Fallen…
I’ve sunk as low as I can go.
Helpless, hopeless, destroyed…
I’m giving up, giving in, ending my own life.

Wait…what’s that?
There’s a voice in the darkness, calling out to me.
But where is this voice coming from?
It’s terrifying. It sounds so powerful…
And yet, just hearing it brings me hope.
I’m so afraid, but I want to follow…

If I follow, where will this voice lead me?
The voice frightens me, and yet draws me in.
I long to hear more…
I crave the hope and comfort that it seems to hold…

I will follow…
I will search out this voice…
This voice that is calling me out of the darkness.

“Who are you?” I finally respond.
“I am the Lord.”
“Why does my heart rejoice in hearing your call?”
“Follow me,” the voice called out again.

“Oh…I don’t like where this path is leading…
Maybe I don’t want to follow…
I can’t bring my things with me,
And I don’t want to leave my friends behind…”
“Sell whatsoever thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven:
and come, take up the cross, and follow me,” the voice said to me.
“But…Lord, if that is who you are, how can I leave my life behind?”
“If you will, come after me, deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me,” the Lord
replied.

Just hearing the voice brought comfort,
Believing brought hope and peace and light.
The darkness dimmed around me,
And what’s this I’m feeling?
Is it joy? It couldn’t be…
But I do believe it is.

“What is this feeling, Lord?
I do not understand…”
“I will give you comfort and joy instead of sorrow,” He said.
“But how can I feel joy?” I asked,
“Nothing here has changed.”
“Ah, but you are wrong, my child,” He gently replied.
“It has been written, ‘…if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the
new has come!”

I stand in awe at the world around me;
All colors have taken a brighter hue,
And everything seems so fresh and new.
For the first time in years,
A true smile is on my face and laughter wells within me.

“Oh Lord, You’ve led me from the darkest night into the brightest day!
You’ve given me life far richer than I could have ever dreamed!
Your love, it satisfies,
And Your grace has set me free!
But Lord, why would You do this all for me?”
“Because I love you.”
“But look at all I’ve done. Look at me, I am broken and destroyed. How can You love
me?” I cried.
“My child, your sins I have forgotten. I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have
drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt.”
“But Lord…”
“My daughter, I have numbered the very hairs of your head. My thoughts of you
outnumber the grains of sand; this does not even describe how great my love for you.”

I am silent.
My heart weeps.
“My Lord, my Father, I will ever follow You.
You are my Life and my Salvation,
The Almighty, my Redeemer, Savior, and Friend.
You have rescued me,
And I long to live for You.
I surrender my life into Your hands,
My desire is to do Your will.”



Trust

I hear You saying, "Trust me,"
But Lord, my faith is small.
"Rest upon my promises,
I will not let you fall."

But Father, I'm afraid,
To give you my whole heart,
Can't I hold on to some things,
And just give you a part?

"My child, won't you trust me?
I'm holding out my hand.
My love for you is infinite,
Beyond what you can understand.
Place on me your burdens,
Toss your worries at my feet.
Stop fighting to stay on top of things,
Come rest, come take a seat.
Don't be afraid, I've got this,
The victory is mine.
Turn away from the darkness,
Open your eyes to My sunshine.
I will not let you fall, my child,
Though often you may stray.
My love for you is unending,
It never fades from day to day.
Why wrestle with the devil,
Whose lies will hold you down?
My desire for you is freedom,
And I'll turn your life around.
Past regrets don't matter here,
Nor decisions that went rotten.
Put your trust in me, dear child,
Your sins I have forgotten."


Contradiction
My strength is but a weakness
Standing between You and me,
Any confidence a stumbling block
On this path down which You lead

The world says that I am one
That I must stand tall to get by.
I'm taught to rely on myself alone
In a dog-eat-dog world
I have to fight for my own

You turn these values upside-down
With a love beyond understanding
From King of Kings You became
A baby born in the cattle's home
A man crucified though he'd done no wrong

The greatest of all was a humble man
Who gave His life at His Father's command
So that I might live and be
A sinner whose slate has been wiped clean

Pride keeps my trust locked tight
My strength enough to get by.
Lord, humble me and set me free
Break my heart and make me weak
For You alone are my strength.
Lowly sinner I may be
I live to glorify the King of Kings

The Smallest of Details

Totally random, very short thought before heading to bed. I was talking to my roommate just a few moments ago and a thought that I voiced to her in our conversation is sticking with me...it kind of fits in with my post a few days ago about how God is in the details, but at the same time, that's not entirely it either. We run through life every day just trying to get by, just trying to make it until the night so that we can say we've made it through and then start all over again the next morning. In our day to day lives, there are so many little tasks that don't require all that much thought and attention, things that we put on auto-pilot in our minds and go through the motions of without being involved in the task at hand. We can know that God is in everything, we can see Him leading us down different paths in our lives, but sometimes we get so used to our auto-pilot lives that we forget that God wants to be a part of even the most menial of tasks, like going to the bank or randomly calling a friend. What happens when God steps in and does something that directs the little things? It catches us off guard, and maybe even pushes us a little bit our of our comfort zones. But think about it...if God cares enough to direct even the little things, He totally cares enough to direct the big things. Even though we don't always see the big picture and can't always figure out what God is doing with the big things in our lives, He pays attention to the smallest of details, so there is no rhyme or reason to doubting that He's got His eye on the big picture. We have no reason to worry...God is painting the picture of our lives, starting with the smallest of details.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. ~Matthew 5

Living the Mission

An excerpt from my journal today, written during the sermon at The Oaks and summarizing a part of the sermon and my own thoughts on it:

Don't sit around in the waiting room of life; Jesus didn't just save us from sin and death, but He also saves us to something- proclaiming the gospel! This calling is placed on every believer, so what are we waiting for? Our lives are changed, and we are called to a greater mission; proclaiming the good news to the world. God has entrusted us with His message, we, weak and sinful human beings, are called to spread the gospel...what an awesome privilege!

How often do I actually live that out? Not very often. But as was pointed out in the message this morning, God called us out of this world of darkness into His magnificent light, and that should be a joy for us to proclaim! Despite the amazing changes God has worked in our own lives, so often we dread the infamous "e-word"...evangelism. I'll admit that I tend to cringe at the word myself, but the word comes from a Greek term meaning "to proclaim good news." Isn't that something that we should want to do? And what better news is there than the message of salvation?

So why do we fight so hard to avoid evangelism? It is a part of our human nature that we make everything about ourselves, so it shouldn't be at all surprising to realize that we often put the salvation of others on our own shoulders. It's not about us though! It's not our weight to carry; salvation belongs to the Lord. We cannot save people, only God can! We are tools that He uses, but the final project is not ours to take credit for. God uses us, but the work is done by His Spirit, in His strength, and in His perfect timing.

I think it is important to realize that evangelism isn't just the verbal proclamation of the gospel, but more so a way of life. Consider the words of the Apostle Paul:

"And I, when I came to you, brothers, I did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. 2 For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 3 And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, 4 and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, 5 that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God." ~1 Corinthians 2:1-5

We are called to proclaim the gospel, but such a calling is not simply to "come proclaiming to [others] the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom," but rather to live in such a way that "[our] speech and [our] message [are] not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that [their] faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God." The whole earth is our mission field, every moment a chance to share the gospel with those around us, our job is to step our in faith and follow the calling that the Lord has given us. We must have faith, believing that Jesus was God in the flesh, living a perfect life and dying an awful death to cover our sins and rising again three days later in a marvelous victory over sin and death. We must go in faith, not having a course visibly set before us but trusting that God is our guide and that He will always be with us, especially as He calls us to roads that we cannot travel alone, but only in His strength. We must be humble, remembering that the Kingdom of God is a kingdom unlike any other, a kingdom where the values and ideals of this world are turned completely upside-down. As Christ says in Luke 9, "he who is the least among you is he who is the greatest." Also, we must be loving, gracious, and compassionate, rather than passing judgment and condemning those we un-rightly and unjustly view ourselves better than.

As I wrote in my journal during the service this morning, I don't want to sit around in the waiting room of life, I want to accept the privilege that the Lord has given me as His child and proclaim the message of life and light through Christ Jesus to the world around me. Wherever the Lord leads me, I don't want to be caught waiting, I want to be living out the mission He has given me.

Written in the Details

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you." ~Psalm 139:17-18

As I spent the last half of my spring break (ha...I'm spoiled, I'm not even a student anymore and I still get a spring break) hanging out on the beach, my thoughts yet again turned to these verses. They tend to come to mind often when I'm on a beach, or anywhere around sand for that matter. Two summers ago, on the beaches of Chicago, the realization of the sheer incomprehensible greatness of God's love for us, His children, that is illustrated through the psalmists words, hit me. Since then, I cannot be near a beach without being awestruck and in wonder of our great Creator. Often this past summer, as I wandered the beaches of Traverse City, Michigan, the inner thoughts of my mind would again turn to mulling over the immense love that God has for me, and you. I would come back to my room after the beach and for days, I would find sand everywhere. It never ceased to amaze me that that little bit of sand that drove me crazy when it was scattered across my dorm room floor is only the tiniest portion of a minuscule amount of sand in Traverse City, not to mention the world, and God's thoughts of us are even greater still than the number of grains of sand existing throughout the entire world! Being in Myrtle Beach brought all those thoughts back to me, and this time, my mind took things a step further. As I walked along the beach, one morning in rain, and a couple days in the brilliant southern sunshine, not only was I struck by the amount of sand and what that means in context of the verse in Psalms 139, but I also found myself stunned by the intricacies and detail seen in each seashell, in the power of the ocean waves, and the feel of the wind on my skin. God did ALL of that! If He put that much thought into something as small as a seashell, if He gives that much power to the ocean, when that power and strength is nothing in comparison to His own power and strength; how much must He love us in order to sacrifice His Son?

These walks on the beach led me to think about one of my favorite Psalms, Psalm 104. I love the way that David so visually describes the power that God has, in every detail of life for not just man, but all of creation. It's amazing, astounding even, when you sit back and consider just what David is saying with Psalm 139:17-18. We aren't just loved, we are truly, deeply, incomprehensibly, and wonderfully loved by God, the Creator of all things, in a love that is so completely out of reach of our minds that we tend to box it up in order to help ourselves understand this great love, however, in doing so, we are costing ourselves dearly. Who are we to put God in a box, to diminish the gift of His love just so that we, lowly humans, are able to make sense of it? So what if it's not possible to fully understand God's love! Look around you, look at the little details in every aspect of the world. Evidence of God's love is displayed throughout history, painted across the sky with each sunrise and each sunset. Every blade of grass was intricately designed by Him, every flower and leaf, every tree. His love for us is written in every detail of His creation!

"Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Evidence of God's love is everywhere...can't we just let that be enough rather than doubting at every turn?

Things that Make Me Happy

bubbles
children's laughter
smiles
laughing
iced sweet tea
hot tea
hot chocolate
hazelnut coffee w/ flavored creamer
the song of birds in the springtime
the babble of a brook/stream/creek/river
a warm gentle breeze
cool sand between my toes
the feel of grass on my bare feet
the smell of springtime
the smell the air after a warm spring rain
sunrises
sunsets
wildflowers
fields of daisies
waterfalls
butterflies
deer
horses
horseback riding
a comfy bed
cozy blankets
cuddly stuffed animals
squishy pillows
bright colors
bright colors
purple
taking pictures
editing pictures
long walks outdoors
the sound of waves lapping against the shore
watching the tide roll in
climbing trees
climbing rocks
adventures in nature
a cool glass of lemonade on a hot day
diet pepsi
hugs from dear friends
words of encouragement
candles
relaxing with soft music in the glow of candle light
long, luxurious baths
curling up with a good book
the beach
clouds
clear blue skies
the light and innocence in the eyes of a child
inside jokes
wonderful friends
frosting
deserts
dulce de leche frappes
scarves
the sound of rain on the roof
jumping in puddles
heart to heart conversations
trying new things
the cool ocean breeze
tide pools
flip flops
the sparkle of dew drops in the early morning sunlight
seeing a birds nest with eggs in it
kittens
puppies
playing softball
sweet text messages
getting letters/cards in via snai lmail
road trips
random mix CDs
stumbling across an old favorite song
warm towels straight out of the dryer
finding things you though were lost
mojitos
journaling
a good quote
poetry
cookies right out of the oven
lattes
sitting in a coffee shop with a drink and books
sunlight on a spider's web
the love of those who care
making others laugh
the colors of autumn leaves
jeans and a hoody weather
sundresses
sea glass
the aroma of coffee
old hymns
fresh baked bread
peaceful quiet moments
simple comradery
homemade gifts
mountains
evergreen trees
the smell of pine needles
oranges fresh off the tree
the stary night sky
bolt lightening
thunderstorms
the warmth of the sun on my skin
rainbows
the smell of roses
the moon
rays of sunlight breaking through clouds
bonfires
a warm fire in the fireplace
the dance of leaves in the wind
skipping rocks
picture frames
Christmas lights
the smell of coffee beans
reflections on the surface of water
colorful nail polish
swings
tree houses
stained glass windows
throw pillows
experimental cooking
being up high

There's a lot more to add to the list, but these just came to mind tonight.

"What's goin' on inside of me?"

Sitting in my room this afternoon processing through the royally butt-kicking sermon that I heard at church this morning (more on that in a minute), "In the Light" by DC Talk, came on my roommate's computer and hit pretty hard with how much it sums up a lot of what I'm thinking/feeling right now.

"What's goin' on inside of me? I despise my own behavior...The disease of self runs through my blood, it's a cancer fatal to my soul. Every attempt on my behalf has failed, to bring this sickness under control."

There are a couple things I've been doing lately that I know aren't pleasing to the Lord, and despite knowing that and feeling guilty of the sins I'm committing, I've kept going with it anyway. In the moment, I know it's wrong but I don't care because I'm finding a sense of belonging, and yet, afterward, I feel miserable. I know that I have blatantly disobeyed God, and I tell myself that I won't do it again, but without fail, opportunity presents itself and I fall right back into the same pattern. It's frustrating and I get so angry with myself! I find myself living up to the lyrics of the song, "What's goin' on inside of me? I despise my own behavior." In a way, the sermon given at church this morning answers that question.

The sermon was entitled "Lasting Growth" with the main scripture being Luke 6:43-49.

"For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, ⁴⁴for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. ⁴⁵ The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and not do what I tell you? ⁴⁷ Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: ⁴⁸he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built ⁴⁹ But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great"

It's pretty easy to take the first part of this passage (v43-45) and make the assumption that if you don't see fruit in a person's life, they aren't a Christian. Also, the passage can often be something that we use as motivation for sanctification, but in doing so, we are placing our salvation on our own shoulders and saying that our salvation is based on works. If you look at the passage though, it says none of that. Instead, it very simply and straightforwardly states that what we do is a result of who we are internally, at the deepest part of our being. According to scripture, our heart is the center of our being and it is from our hearts that our true self is shown.

^"10And he called the people to him and said to them, "Hear and understand: ¹¹ it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person...¹⁷ Do you not see that whatever goes into the mouth passes into the stomach and is expelled? ¹⁸But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. ¹⁹For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. ²⁰ These are what defile a person." ~Matthew 15:10, 17-20

Our actions don't determine who we are, it's our heart that determines our actions. Basically, we are not sinners because we sin, we sin because we are sinners. Our hearts are not pretty things.

"⁹The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" ~Jeremiah 17:9

If our hearts are deceitful and desperately sick, then based on the passage from Matthew 15, we are deceitful and desperately sick people. We may not always do bad things, and many of us may seem like genuinely good people, but deep down, our hearts are a mess. In heated moments of anger and frustration, the things we say are often hurtful and spiteful. I've never heard of anyone angrily yelling, "I love you so much and I want to serve you!!!" but rather "I hate you and I want nothing to do with you!" It is from the overflow of our hearts that our mouths speak.

Going back to my original thoughts from the DC Talk song, "What's goin' on inside of me? I despise my own behavior," I can now answer based on the realization that my actions come from my heart, which is a wicked and evil thing. I guess that sounds a bit depressing, BUT, there is hope!! God cleanses us and restores us! He takes out our hardened heart of stone and replaces it with a new heart and the Holy Spirit.

^"25 from all your idols I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and I will cleanse you. ²⁶And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. ²⁷ And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules." ~Ezekiel 36:25-27

On our own, we can't do anything, but if we allow the Lord to work in our lives and don't sit back in fear, afraid to take a look at the condition of our hearts, He can cure the sickness of our nature. The more we are willing to spend time with Him in prayer and in His Word, and the more we let Him work in the deepest corners of our hearts, the stronger our foundation in Him will be (referring to the second half of the original passage in Luke) and the more we will be able to stand strong in life's storms.

Time to Stop Running

It tends to be a habit of mine to run from things that I either don't want to deal with or am not sure how to handle. It's kind of a reoccurring theme in my life anymore. I'll get some thought or idea stuck in my head and I'll jump head first into it, but as soon as it gets tough and reaches a point when I feel like there's a possibility for me to mess things up or fail, I panic and run as far and as fast as I can in the other direction.

Lately, I've been making decisions that are changing my life a great deal. While I'm excited to be taking some time away from school to work on developing my personal ministry and to figure out where I'm headed with life, I'm realizing that this decision means that I need to learn how to grow up and deal with things. I can't go back and retract the decisions I've made to get to this point, and that scares me. I feel like I don't know how to grow up. I don't know how to be an adult. I have to figure out how to come up with a budget, and stick to it. I have to pay rent and pay my phone bill. I can't mess this up, but I'm so afraid that I somehow will. Everything in me wants to turn around and run, but I can't. This is my life now, I've made the decisions that have brought me here and there is no turning back, no matter how freaked out I am. I came to this decision because I felt like it was what God was calling me to do, and when I started to panic before even actually making the decision, the Lord took away my back up plan...I know this is where He wants me and that I made the right decision, but I'm nervous and worried. I guess this is where trusting the Lord comes into play, and I know that I've already seen His hand in this whole process and that He will work things out, but apparently my faith is pretty small and my ability to trust Him needs a lot of work. I pray that I learn to lean on Him and trust Him rather than trying to do it all on my own.

Desires

Have you ever sat back and really taken the time to think through what the one thing that you want most in life is? Are you ever afraid that you'll never get that one desire? I know I am. I know what I want, and there are times when my longing has me on the verge of tears, despite the fact that at this point in my life, if I were to get what I want, it wouldn't exactly be a good thing. I would be ecstatic, don't get me wrong, I would be completely elated, but I know that I'm not in a position capable of dealing with having what I want. Yes, I realize that I haven't stated what my deepest and most heartfelt longing in this life is, and I don't plan to either, it's just on my mind even more than usual right now, and it keeps coming to mind that I may never get what I so desperately want. That's not necessarily the best feeling. It's a painful realization and a bit depressing too, but no matter how much I want it, if it's not in the Lord's will, there is nothing I can do about it other than accept that He has other plans. I don't know that He doesn't have it in mind to eventually allow me the privilege of have what I want, but I guess I have to acknowledge that He may have other things in store for me. That's a difficult fact for me to swallow, but in a recent conversation with my cousin, as she was telling me about something that she desperately wants but is afraid she may never get, she mentioned a verse that has really helped her. I think the verse fits for pretty much any answer you might give to my first question, but strangely enough, my cousin and I have the same desire...though it makes a lot more since coming from her than it does from me. My cousin is someone who I really admire, and being able to see her trust the Lord in the situation is so encouraging and really cool. So, as an encouragement to anyone else who may be in a similar struggle, no matter what the desire may be, this is the verse she shared with me:

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart"

Psalm 37:4

Trust

I want to trust the Lord, but most days I feel like that's impossible. I so often find myself fighting to do things my way and in my strength, on my terms and according to my own time line, and inevitably, I fail. I know that I need to hand things over to God and let Him work things out His way, and I try to do so...but it's only a matter of minutes before I'm right back to wanting to make sure that everything is done all my way again. I look back over my life and I can see evidence of the Lord in so many places, even in times from before I accepted Christ, and yet I tend to forget His goodness, grace, and mercy. I know that He has a plan, that He can do ANYTHING, and that He loves me and wants what is best for me, but I just can't seem to let go of my grasp on control. Why do I look back over the past two years and 29 days of my life, seeing all that God has brought me through, all the changes that He has made in me, and still doubt?

Not only have I been saved from my sins, but I can say with utmost certainty that had the Lord not gotten a hold of me when He did, I'm 99% sure that I wouldn't be alive today. I was an absolute wreck, a total and complete mess of drinking and partying and even a few drugs. I relied on physical relationships and drunkeness to save me and help me forget, and all that ever did was cause me to hate myself more. I hated my life, I hated myself, and I so no point in living. I planned out my suicide multiple times, even tried it (failing obviously) a couple times. I hurt to the core, not physically, but emotionally, and I didn't know how to handle that. The only way I could find to help myself feel was cutting. I hated what I was doing but I loved it at the same time. As long as I was cutting, as long as I was drinking or getting high, as long as I was having sex, for those few moments, I could forget how much I loathed who I was and be happy. But an hour later, or the next morning, whenever my stupor had worn off and I realized what I had done, my self hatred, the anger and pain that I had barricaded inside myself all came tumbling back to me. It was a cycle, a vicious, ugly, painful cycle, but I didn't know where else to turn. God brought me out of all of that! I have scars, but cutting isn't an issue anymore. I don't plan out ways to kill myself, and those crazy nights of drunken hook ups are all in the past...I could have NEVER made those changes in my life without the Lord. I see what He's brought me through, I see Him working in the lives of my friends, I take a walk and see the beauty of nature, and yet I still struggle to trust Him. Why do I see His work and still doubt? Why do I say that I want to trust Him, that I want to turn everything over to Him, and then minutes later take it all back into my own hands?

I want to trust. I am so tired of carrying everything around on my own, trying to do it all alone...and I want His help, but my head says it's too far of a fall, and honestly, while my heart is a little more trusting, it's not so sure about taking that leap either.